


i was just coasting, never really going anywhere

by elizabethbri



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Absolutely no timeline, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Brief Verbal Abuse, Brief Violence, Domestic Violence, Falling In Love, Homeless Evan “Buck” Buckley, I am realizing Buck is ooc, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, M/M, Married Evan "Buck" Buckley, One Night Stands, Very loose canon elements, brief Evan "Buck" Buckley/Doug Kendall, but Buck is a different person in this AU, butterflies by kacey musgraves, he will grow to be the Buck we know and love in the show, not in detail though, things will happen when I say they happen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-21
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-02-28 03:41:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22837213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elizabethbri/pseuds/elizabethbri
Summary: Buck married Doug right out of high school, he never knew how much he'd grow to regret it.Buck leaves Doug and heads to LA to find his sister. When he arrives and Maddie is not where Buck thought, he has to make due, staying with one night stands, hopping around trying to track down his sister in a city he doesn't know how to navigate. The crew at the 118 help in unexpected ways, one person in particular. Though, even after Buck finds Maddie, he still has things he needs to figure out.
Relationships: Background Athena Grant/Bobby Nash, Background Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Doug Kendall (Past), Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Comments: 28
Kudos: 235





	1. caught up in a web, i was kinda use to staying here

**Author's Note:**

> all the chapters titles will be lyrics from Butterflies by Kacey Musgraves because that song is the embodiment of the change i want this Buck to go through.

Buck breathed hard, his plan going to shit quickly before his eyes.

_You can't panic. Calm down. You can still get out. Just think. Quick!_

Doug had found his stash. The money he'd been hiding away. He had a good bit in there, considering he saved by the dollar. He almost had enough to feel comfortable enough to buy a bus ticket and still be okay for a while after. He's going to Maddie's anyways, so he doesn't need much.

But it doesn't matter because Doug found it. As soon as he noticed his chest heaving, Buck regulated his breathing to something normal.

Buck had half an idea to say something first. Cover his ass, make up something about buying a secret present for Doug. He knew it wouldn't work. Not anymore. Doug could tell what was happening. Buck had been jumpy recently, more so than normal. He doesn't lie well, has always hated it, but even when it became necessary he still couldn't fake it.

"What's this, then?" Doug spoke softly, a ploy to make Buck feel comfortable.

Buck'd fell for it too many times for it to work any longer. "I'm not going to lie anymore. I think you know what it is. If I lie you're just going to hit me more-" He stops with a cut off gasp as Doug whirls around and grabs his bicep tightly.

"You've been lying to me?" Doug growls, then immediately follows it up before Buck can respond. "Where the hell do you think you're going to go? You've got no one else. I'm it. I'm the only person who's going to put up with you. Who are you running to? Talking to idiots online again?" He shakes Buck roughly. "They don't actually like you. They don't care about you. As soon as you show up and start pulling your shit they'll treat you the same way I do. It's what you deserve."

Buck doesn't try to dislodge his arm, he knows it's futile. Buck tucks his face away from the taller man, trying to catch something out of the corner of his eye he could use to defend himself.

All the while, Doug continues, "Don't you know that? You get treated like this because you're worthless. No one will love you more than I do. I'm trying to make you better. If you'd learn from your mistakes, maybe you wouldn't feel so bad all the time."

Buck tunes him out, he's heard it all before and he doesn't need to hear it anymore. Buck knows. The farthest part of his brain tells him that it's not true and it will be better somewhere else. Buck grasps tight to that voice and curls his body further away from Doug.

Buck finally has enough reach for his fingers to grasp onto the beer Doug had brought into the room with him. He usually finished his show before he came up for bed, which is when Buck would add to his stash of money. Doug must have noticed his pattern and came to find him. Buck knows he's about to make a mess, the bottle is half full but there is nothing else he could reach.

Buck tucked his arm behind him and looked back to Doug, speaking softly, "I'm sorry. I know. I'm sorry." He feels a tear slide down his cheek. Doug lessened the pressure of his fingers around Buck's bicep.

"I don't know how you expect me to trust you when you do things like this."

"I know. I'm sorry."

Buck waited until his fingers slackened a little bit more. As soon as he felt it, he tore his arm away and swung the bottle. It shattered on impact and Buck shielded his eyes, ducking to collect his strewn money. Doug swore, scrambling back, he held a hand to the wound on his head and pulled it away to check for blood.

Buck shoved at Doug's knees, having the advantage due to his low perch. He caught Doug by surprise, and the man stumbled back into their dresser. Quick as he could, Buck grabbed his backpack from under the bed and ran as soon as his fingers grasped the canvas.

_Oh god. Oh god. Oh god._

Buck knew that if Doug had been knocked out, he wouldn't stay that way for long. As Buck clambered down the stairs, trying not to lose his footing in his haste, he weighed his options.

Buck had originally planned to leave when Doug was out, grabbing a taxi to the bus station. Now, though, it was too risky to call for one and then have to wait. Buck snagged keys on his way out the front door. He only paused to throw all the other key sets around the house. Figured it'd take Doug that much longer to get on the road.

He's half tempted to take the Jeep Doug had bought him. It was the exact color and model Buck always wanted. Showed that at one point, Doug was a good husband. Once upon a time he listened to Buck. Not for a long time now, though.

The Jeep was supposed to have been a present, but Doug lorded it over Bucks head constantly. He wouldn't be surprised if he had installed some kind of tracking system in it. Instead he climbed into Doug's truck. He just needed to get to the bus station and he knew Doug had another set of keys for it. Buck hoped Doug used his head and found the truck parked at the station. He didn't need to be charged with grand theft auto or something and be a criminal on the run.

Buck knew that Doug would report him missing, act like the victimized husband, and as soon as Buck was under his roof he would make him pay for leaving. Doug had told him, in detail, how he would punish Buck.

Buck tried to drive like a normal person. He smelled like beer, having it gotten it all over himself when it shattered against his husband's head. If he got pulled over he wasn't sure he could pass a field sobriety test with how keyed up and shaky he was. It was hard to not speed through yellows, to not drive above the speed limit, or pass those on the road who strictly obeyed the limits.

When Buck pulled into the parking lot at the greyhound station he drove around in circles a few times looking for cops. Technically Buck committed a crime, hitting Doug. Buck didn’t think Doug would send cops after him in that way, so after a while he deemed it safe and parked. Buck left the keys in the cup holder and locked them in the car. He left it off to the side of the lot, hoping someone would notice when it didn't leave for days in a row and the police would pick it up and take it back to Doug.

Buying his ticket and getting onto the bus took no time at all. Buck felt like he was floating, moving through the motions without processing them. It was happening. He was leaving, there was no Doug in sight. He let himself relax into his seat. People were avoiding him, he really did reek of beer. He would just have to deal, it was a long trip ahead of him. He’d have to transfer buses a few times. Maddie just had to live in LA, across the entire country, couldn’t have made it easy for him.

When no one seemed inclined to sit next to him, Buck took up the space in his neighboring seat. He laid his backpack down and settled his head on top of it. He dreamed of Doug finding him at his next stop. He startled awake so bad someone yelled at him to hush. After  
that he figured it was better to stay alert until he really felt safe.

Buck should have realized, with his track record, he wouldn’t feel safe for a while.


	2. cloud nine was always out of reach

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A month and a half after Buck makes it to LA

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i posted something for chapter two and had it up for like a day and then decided I hated it and that wasnt the route i was going to take, so sorry if you read that and then it disappeared, pls forget that lol
> 
> EDIT !!!! made 2/24/2021  
> I had a line in here that implied Buck boss (Reggie) was sexually coerce Buck. I was going to make that a plot point, but I changed my mind. Buck has it hard enough as it is, he doesn't need anymore hurt. So I removed the line.

Bucks place of employment wasn’t his favorite. They didn’t put him on payroll, though, and he made tips so he was dealing with it. The bar was home to seedy, slimy individuals for the most part. And college kids, which could very well be the former as well. Every once in a while someone decent passes through and Buck hops on them pretty fast. Buck had learned that one night stands almost always don’t mind if Buck spends the night and showers in the morning, as long as he leaves when they do. Buck enjoys it. It keeps him from sleeping on the literal streets and he gets to have sex with anyone he wants. Buck is learning the ways of seducing and letting himself be seduced. Anytime he thinks of something he misses from relationships, he shoves it away. Meaningless sex is so freeing. Buck had only been with Doug before LA, barring a few bad make out sessions in early highschool. 

He usually doesn’t pick up people when he is on shift, he has to flirt with everyone at the bar so it doesn’t do to try and pick someone up and keep them there all night while he flirts with customer after customer the rest of the night. Nearing the end of his shift, he starts telling people when he gets off, flirting a little bit more. If nothing comes of it, he hangs around the bar until something happens. It's always easy. College kids mix in with the creepy drug addicts and the place finds harmony somehow. Buck stays away from the drug addicts, obviously, but he also avoids anyone hitting the bottle too hard. Sometimes this is a college kid, but they act different than a full on adult drinking to forget. Buck has learned from his mistakes and he knows now what’s a safe bet. 

He’d caught a girl hanging around the bar to keep talking to him in between serving others, and whispered for her to meet him on the dance floor in twenty. He finished up his stocking, talked to the next bartender for a minute, then went to clock out. He found the girl dancing alone and spun her around to face him. 

“What’s your name, cutie?” She giggles, swaying easily into Buck’s arms. Buck could tell she was tipsy, but not too far gone for her to be unable to make choices. 

“Buck, but you can keep calling me cute. You can call me whatever you want.” Buck smirked, let his hands grasp her waist easily. 

“Call me Nic. Wanna get out of here? I know a way better bar, no offense of course.” 

Buck laughed, not offended. “Not my bar, Nic. Yeah, let's get going.” 

Nic calls them an uber and they get to talking on the ride. She’s a fifth year architecture student, she just finished a big project and was out celebrating. Her friends were going to meet her and this next bar, she was pregaming at the bar where Buck works because it was close to her apartment. Nic didn’t seem to mind that Buck deflected all her questions back onto her, but she did notice. She just stopped asking him questions and talked about herself. 

“We love coming here. Lots of EMTs and stuff. Super hot, fit, dudes. You’ll love it.” She winks at him, as they exist the uber. Buck only laughs. 

When they enter, Buck does get a different vibe here. More working adults, less reckless youth. It’s almost ten thirty, so Buck wasn’t sure how much longer the crowd would stay. Working adults tended to be parents too, which meant bed time. 

Buck lets himself be dragged to a group surrounding a tall table. Nic introduces him to everyone, but it happens so fast it all kind of blurs. He flutters his fingers in an awkward wave and the group chorus’s back a big “Hello”. 

Nic talks animatedly with a girl to their right and Buck only hangs back for a second, telling her he’s going to find a drink. She had poured herself a drink from the pitcher on the table and waved him away easily. 

Buck chats up a guy at the bar, who buys him a beer. Buck is turning to walk back to Nic when someone stumbles into him and sloshes his beer. Buck manages to keep it off himself, but the other guy isn’t so lucky. 

“Aw, shit,” Buck swears softly, he is trying to break his habit of apologizing when it is not his fault, so he doesn’t say sorry. 

The guy has his head down, peeling away his clinging shirt. “No worries,” He says easily, “Sorry about that. Someone knocked into me, knocked into you, glad you didn’t knock into someone else or the whole place would’ve gone down eventually.” 

Buck laughs a little, eyes the man when he finally looks up and meets Buck’s gaze. Warm eyes, crinkled at the corner from his smile, a wide grin framed by a neat five o’clock shadow. Buck is hooked. “All good. Shirt looks better like that anyways.” 

The man had released the fabric from where it was pinched between his fingers. The shirt had become see through, but even if it hadn’t, it wouldn’t have hid the defined muscles beneath it. The man may have had an eight back. Buck could appreciate an eight pack. 

The man looked startled for only a second, then he wipes a hand across his jaw, “I’m not what you’re looking for. I have a son.” 

“I love kids,” Buck uttered quickly, without thinking. “But I wasn’t flirting with you.” 

The hand fell and he snorted. 

At the disbelieving noise, Buck amended, “I don’t have to be flirting anymore. Friendly banter only from here on out, promise.” 

The dark haired man seemed relieved. “Eddie Diaz,” he said, offering his hand. 

“Buck.” He shook his hand firmly, ignoring the way Eddies palm slid, so nicely, across his finger tips. Buck stuck his fingers into his pockets to stop himself from reaching out again. 

Eddie opened his mouth, but Buck would never know what he was about to say because Nic slid up to him. 

“C’mon. I’m going to go sing with Trish. You want to watch or join?” Nic wiggled her fingers teasingly, enticing him to grab her hand. 

Eddie ducked out, “I’ll be seeing you, Buck.” 

Buck lets himself be sucked in, letting Eddie slide out of his vision.  
___

In the morning, Nic just tells him to hush when he asks to use her shower, so he slides out of her bed quietly. He finds himself a towel and happily uses the banana scented shampoo he finds in the shower. 

She’s up, on her phone, when he comes back into her room, dressed and toweling his hair. 

“Do you want my snapchat?” 

Buck removes the towel from his face, “I don’t have a phone.” 

“Oh, like, social media free? So cool.” 

Buck hums noncommittally. 

People never assume Buck is homeless, mostly because he works so hard at not looking the part. He used to carry his backpack, with all of his belongings, with him everywhere. He has stopped doing that in fear of losing it at a bar or a house party or wherever he goes after his shift. Without it, he just looks like some punk kid. His docs are torn to shit because he bought them like that, at a thrift store. His flannels are threadbare and holey because he only managed to bring eight and he rotates them regularly. Same for his shirts, though he has twelve of them. His jeans have holes in them because this is his only pair after some guy bled all over his other pair. 

He couch surfs, from one night stand to the next. He has a few friends, but they’re people he’s hooked up with and they often only want to hang out if they want to hook up again. So there aren’t people to notice he doesn’t have a place to go at night. 

“Can you call me an uber?” Buck asks, pushing the long curls away from his forehead. 

Nic’s face sours a little. “Will you, like, venmo me?” 

Buck rolls his eyes, “I have cash.”  
___

Buck goes back to the bar. The sign “Good Alibi” is unlit, there's no one around except the owner, Reggie. 

Reggie lets Buck hang around, he’s mostly a good guy. A little creepy, but so far okay. If Buck does some actual work when he’s around before the bar opens, Reggie will pay him for it. Buck usually cleans and stocks for a while before lounging around until his shift starts. 

Reggie had asked the bare minimum when Buck showed up looking for paid cash work. Buck gets paid a lot less, though, for the no-questions-asked aspect. Buck does get to keep all his tips, so that is something. 

A few weeks ago Buck would have spent his off time galavanting across LA, looking for his sister. Now, Buck has given up almost all hope. He checked her house, neighbors said she moved. Checked every hospital he reasonably could, she didn’t work there. When he finally found somewhere that recognized her name, they said she changed professions. No phone number, no new address. 

Maddie Buckley was not an easy woman to track down. The little brother part of Buck was happy for the revelation, but the larger part of Buck that wanted his sister was angry. 

Maddie was all he had, after searching and finding nothing he realized he needed something to support himself. He found Reggie and the bar, pushed his hope deep down and didn’t let himself feel it. He learned how to flirt, well. It wasn’t hard, he had seen it often enough from either side of the bar. Even more than learning how to flirt, he learned how to be charismatic. He looked a certain way, acted a certain way. Not all of it was fake, but it was amped up. He didn’t want to resemble who he had become with Doug. He didn’t like that version of himself much anyways. People liked him now, they thought he was funny and sweet. They brought him home and let him stay the night. They tipped him well, trying to earn themselves another smile or a wink. He did enjoy his job, for the most part. 

Being behind the bar again was something familiar, at least. Buck tended bar for a while, in Pennsylvania - before Doug thought he was being too friendly at work. Doug wouldn’t listen when Buck said the main part of it was being friendly. Whatever, Buck didn’t need to think about him anymore. 

He’d pawned his ring. He hadn’t used his married name since he left. No one knew about Doug, so Buck could move on and pretend it doesn’t matter that he was homeless, on the run. Sometimes he felt overwhelmingly like he was on the run. Some days Buck couldn’t walk two feet without feeling like someone was waiting over his shoulder, and as soon as he put his guard down they’d snatch him up and bring him back to Doug. 

That probably wasn’t going to happen. There probably was a missing persons report out for him, though. Doug had said if he left he’d have his police buddies track him down and bring him right back. 

Buck didn’t know how long needed to pass before he felt that wasn’t true. Sometimes he thought he never would. 

Other times, though, he felt so free he could cry with it. He felt like he had every choice in the world laid out in front of him and all he had to do was point and it would be his. Doug wasn’t watching his every move, dictating his actions. He could eat what he wanted, sleep with whoever he wanted, work where he chose. 

Buck’s only worry was money. 

He couldn’t open a bank account, he didn’t feel safe using his name. He didn’t want to help out the police looking for him. 

His paychecks went into a shave kit that he stored at the bottom of his backpack. His tips got split up between the shave kit and his wallet. He had come to think of the bar as a safe space for him. He left his only belongings there when he was away and he was confident they'd be exactly as they were when he returned. He didn’t know what his plan was, though. He didn’t plan to stay an underpaid bartender for the rest of his life. 

He knew he couldn’t bank all his hopes on finding Maddie, he couldn’t plan his life with his sister in it because he didn’t know if he’d ever find her. He was saving his money to get a real place, so he wouldn’t have to shack up with some rando for a place to stay. But things still didn’t feel safe. He has to open a new bank account to get a place, he can’t do that without giving Doug his exact location. 

Buck knew that if he tried to divorce Doug, that too would give up his location. He was scared for what will happen when Doug finds him. 

He can’t afford a lawyer.  
He can’t hide forever.  
He can’t move on until this is behind him and he can’t put it behind him because it still didn’t feel real. 

Buck felt like any moment Doug could show up and drag him back to their house in Pennsylvania. Buck couldn’t physically fight him off again.

He didn’t know if he could get a restraining order against his husband without filing a divorce first. There are so many things Buck doesn’t know. He hadn’t expected to be doing this alone, and now that he is, he is overwhelmed with all the choices and possibilities. 

Buck knew he had to do something, had to figure it out but where he was felt so comfortable. He had shifts he could work, money to be made, an endless number of companions. One every night. 

Buck didn’t have friends though. He was friendly with some coworkers, but they didn’t interact outside of their shifts. Reggie wasn’t a friendly dude, for all the he was helping Buck, he was getting something out of it. He didn’t have a phone, so people seemed disinclined to find a way to hang out. The people he sleeps with are friendly enough, obviously, but Buck was scared of letting anyone in and exposing the real him. 

Buck who still flinched at anger and loud voices. Buck who lives out of a backpack. Buck who didn’t want to work in a bar, he wanted to help people. Buck who didn’t think he was good enough to help people. Buck who hid how desperate he was for someone to love him for real. Buck who thought no one would ever love him for real. 

He thought of the man at the bar, Eddie. He had looked at Buck with warmth in his eyes, even though Buck was a stranger. Buck wouldn’t let himself imagine what love and affection would look like on Eddie's face, even the thought of it made Buck’s stomach swirl with nerves. 

Maybe he’d be better off with a real friend. A bar friend. Someone to drink with and just talk to. Eddie already said he wasn’t getting into anything with Buck, it would be perfect. Buck only needed to find the man again.


	3. out of the blue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little bit more of a glimpse of life with Doug.  
> Buck experiences a happy accident.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> o boy  
> a thousand days have passed and suddenly I am inspired to continue this fic 
> 
> (I lost inspiration for a long time, but I feel like I know where it's going again)
> 
> **  
> In chapter 2 there was previously a line about Bucks boss (Reggie) sexually coercing Buck. I removed that line (as of 2/24/2021)  
> That was going to be a plot point but I decided against it. If I change my mind again, it will happen in the future. I won't go back and change anything I've written again. 
> 
> If you're reading for the first time, ignore this!! lol

Buck, sometimes, thought about going to the police station. He could make a police report about the abuse, he could ask questions about getting a restraining order, he could ask about tracking down his sister.

Then the doubts creeped in. He didn't have any proof of abuse anymore. He didn’t have money for a lawyer. He didn’t have an address, didn’t you need that for a restraining order? They wouldn’t be allowed so many feet from your house? Well, Buck didn’t have a house. Would they help him track Maddie? Do they do that? Buck’s ID said “Kendall” not Buckley, he had no proof he was her brother. Even if they found her, would she want to see him?

Maddie never wanted him to date Doug, much less marry him. She hadn’t gone to the wedding, which meant that Buck had no family at his wedding, just a few friends. Maddie had wanted him to come with her, she didn't know what life in LA would be like, but she was done with school and wanted to start fresh somewhere new. Buck couldn’t do it, he wanted Doug and Maddie. For a little while, he had both. She road tripped to LA, stopping in places along the way because she had wanted to explore a little before she settled down with a job. He would get postcards, usually after she had already moved on to a new place - but he would also get texts and phone calls. One day he called and she didn’t answer. He thought nothing of it, she was probably driving. But the rest of the day passed and he didn’t hear from her. So he left a few texts, called again the next day, but still nothing. Buck was freaking out about it, making plans to go to where she last called him from, convinced she was dead in a ditch somewhere along a highway between Hershey and LA.

Then one day Doug comes home, says Maddie called him at work. Her phone had broken, it took her a few days to get a new one. She lost all her numbers. Buck was so relieved and waited all day for a call for her. When it didn’t come, Buck hesitatingly asked, “You gave her my number, right?”

Doug nodded without taking his eyes off the TV.

Buck waited a second before asking, “Well, could you take down her number for me tomorrow? I haven’t heard from her and I don’t know what happened, but maybe I should call-“ He was interrupted with a slap, Doug was fuming.

“You think I’m so stupid I can’t even read off a number correctly? Is that what you think?”

Buck gasped with the shock, quickly reassuring him that that was not what he thought. Doug didn’t talk to him the rest of the night, which just made Buck fret nervously.

Days went by and Buck never heard from Maddie, Doug found him crying one day when he got home from work. He dropped down next to him on the couch and held him for a long time until the crying ceased.

He gingerly swiped his thumbs under Buck’s eyes, “What is it, baby?”

“My sister,” was all Buck said because he knew that Doug knew what the problem was.

Doug sighed, “You know, maybe it’s time to move on from that. She’ll either call you or she won’t. If she won’t then that’s fine, baby, you still have me. I don’t know what you need her for anyways. She’s in LA, it’s not like you were going to see her anytime soon.”

Buck hiccuped a little, when Maddie first said she was leaving Doug said they could go visit her when she settled down. He cried more, silently this time, and Doug gave him 20 minutes before he asked him to start dinner.

It went on for months, not even speaking her name in the house. Then one day Doug came home with the mail and frisbee’d something at him. Buck caught it awkwardly against his chest, and gasped aloud when he saw it was a postcard from Maddie.

He read it fervently, looking for any clue as to why she didn’t speak to him for so long but it was just a few simple sentences, “ _Finally settled in an apartment. I really like my neighbors. I found a job at the hospital near my house and I met this guy at a bar we go to and he’s got the silliest nickname, I just know it would make you laugh. Love you._ ” By the end of it, he was crying, but he just started over and read it again.

Doug came up to him and made to take it from his hand, but Buck jerked away without thinking. Doug, thankfully, only rolled his eyes. “She has been sending them for a while,” he starts casually, “I didn’t think it was wise to show you in case she stopped again, like with the texts. But she hasn’t stopped and you’re still so sad.”

Buck was so surprised he couldn’t speak. This almost felt like a joke. There was no way Doug was saying what Buck was hearing. “She has been sending postcards this whole time? You-what? You, y-you. I don’t understand. You have been hiding them? Can I have them? All I wanted was to hear from Maddie and you kept it a secret?”

“I threw them away.” Doug said, a blank look on his face - like he could not imagine why Buck would want them.

Buck had to take a deep breath. A hatred unlike he had ever felt was growing in his chest, he almost thought it would be enough to make him puke. He swallowed a few times and took a moment to make sure that he wouldn’t if he opened his mouth. Then he took another moment and squeezed his hands into fists at his sides. This was the first time he felt like he might actually want to hit Doug. “You what. How could you. Doug. This is. This is almost unforgivable. I cannot believe. Of all the things you do, this has hurt me the most.”

It was the first time Buck had seen Doug look contrite, not apologetic, but like he knew he took it too far. Buck stared silently for a moment, overcome with remorse for ever marrying this man. Then he said, firmly, “I am going to sleep right now. I am going to the guest bedroom. If you even hover by the door, I can’t even say what I will do to you. You pushed me too far, Doug. Leave me alone.”

For the first time in their marriage, Buck stood up for himself and Doug let himself be bossed around. Buck may have thought that would be a turning point in their relationship, but Doug didn’t let the silence last for long. After a week, he was bullying Buck to sleep in their bed again.

He continued to give Buck his sisters postcards, though. Buck never stopped thinking about what could have been in those letters. She might have given her phone number. She may have explained. She may have asked Buck to come see her.

He will never know. He never forgave Doug for that betrayal, the one thing Buck held a grudge about.

He felt like he missed their chance for reconnection. Maddie never offered much details in her letters. Didn’t mention anyone by name, never told him she moved, never mentioned the man she met again, never talked about her job.

Buck couldn’t help but feel like maybe she didn’t want him to know.

___

So Buck never goes to the police station. He wouldn’t admit it to himself, but he was half afraid that it would be easy. They would help him find Maddie, she would hug him and forgive him, and then she would invite him into her home, her life, and help him divorce Doug. She would keep him safe. He would regret ever wasting time and get to enjoy life, start to become truly happy again. But then he thinks there is no way his life would ever be that smoothly, and Doug will probably be waiting for him at the station.

But sometimes he went to homeless drives. He needed new socks every once and awhile. Sometimes they had food. Buck didn’t like going. Sometimes he was embarrassed. He had a job, he should let people who have it worse than him have the stuff he is taking. Sometimes he felt like he had to dress differently to go. He got kicked out of one once, because they said, “This is for real people in need, not college kids who ran out of caf credits.” Buck had frozen, unsure if he wanted to explain that he really was homeless or if he thought they were kind of right, that he was undeserving of what they had to offer.

He left a house, a closet full of clothes, a savings account. He made that choice, he doesn’t deserve to cash in on hand outs.

So he apologized and left. He bought himself a new pack of socks at a CVS and had a panic attack over it in the alley behind the bar.

There were also shelters. He didn’t like them though. He felt unsafe and watched over at the same time. Suffocated, and like he had an oxygen mask forced onto his face. There were shelters for women fleeing abuse, but Buck hadn’t found any for men. And he was not welcome at the women’s shelters because he’s a dude and he freaks some of the women out - which he understood.

Overall, he avoided them. That became easy once he fell into a rhythm of one night stands. Sometimes he can crash on someone's couch if he doesn’t feel like sex. Most of the time he just picks sex. Even if he doesn’t actually want it, he wants the closeness, the attention.

So he goes to a drive, according to the flyer it’s being put on by a firehouse. He is always nervous that he is going to show up somewhere and be wrong. Like he got the date wrong, or the time, or he got the address wrong. So he stakes it out before hand, hovering a few yards away to make sure that there are people coming and going. He is always scared to embarrass himself in front of people, scared they will laugh at him or turn him away, the echo in his ear of, “this is not for you”.

He is still embarrassed even if he is in the right place. He is awkward about saying what he needs, about asking for the specific kind of socks he likes if they have options. The people working the drives are almost always overly cheerful to push away any awkwardness we might feel on the other side of the table.

He walks in and it’s a pretty big space, it seems like they moved the trucks in order to line up tables right by the big garage door. There is a little loft that looks like it has a kitchen, there are lockers in the back, a little gym area. Buck is too busy looking around to notice someone coming up to him.

A hand lands on his shoulder and Buck not only makes a startled noise, but he also flinches away without thought. It’s an older guy, wearing a blue under armour type shirt with a name tag pinned on that says “NASH”.

He immediately removes his hand and apologizes softly, “Didn’t mean to startle you. What are you here for?”

Buck internally winces, he hadn’t had a chance to look around. He didn’t like to blindly ask for things because what if they didn’t have it? Then it was uncomfortable and Buck couldn’t just flee, like he wanted too.

He opens his mouth like he’s about to say something, what he does not know when Nash speaks again, “Volunteer, right? Didn’t they assign you a station ahead of time?”

Buck mutely shakes his head. He is blushing, he knows. What the hell is it about him that scream, “Cannot be homeless”. He is not trying to trick people and yet they all assume about him.

Nash just laughs, “You’re our latecomer. You were supposed to check in an hour ago. We just assumed you weren’t showing up. Come on over here, Hen will get you set up.”

He claps a hand on Buck’s back, and Buck manages to to not visibly startle over it. The women, Hen, smiles widely at Buck behind her big glasses. “Hey, kid. Got any excuse for yourself? Over an hour late.”

Buck freezes again, but it seems she is just kidding because he barely pauses before she is talking again, “Anyways, I threw away the check in paper. What’s your name?”

She looks up expectantly, taking her eyes away for a moment to nod at Nash while he walks away.

Buck is still frozen. Shit. He cannot guess this random volunteer's name. He stalls, “For what?”

Hen laughs, “Not a test, kid. Just for your nametag. Can even be a nickname, we just want you to answer to it.”

Buck relaxes slightly, but stumbles out, “Oh. Okay. You can- I go by, well, you - um, Buck. I go by Buck.”

Hen smiles at him kindly, and writes it onto a sticky paper, peeling it off and offering it to him.

Then she spins him around and directs him towards the back, not where people are handing out items.

“Here, you can help Diaz. He scared away the other volunteer with all his rules, but I'm sure you’ll be okay. He is making kind of bathroom kits. First aid, some soap, things like that.”

Buck only mumbles a noise vague enough to be an agreement. He can only see Diaz’s back, which consists of broad shoulders and a head of dark fluffy hair. Not too scary yet. When he plops himself into the seat he is absolutely not expecting to see the guy from the bar, who Buck just remembered was named Eddie Diaz. Buck has to blink to make sure he is not hallucinating.

Eddie looks up, smiling because Hen had been teasing him about not scaring away another volunteer or else they would never have anyone come back and help. When his gaze lands on Buck he tilts his head a little, eyes squinting like _hey you’re familiar, why do I know you_ and suddenly it clicks and he beams, “Hey! You spilled your drink on me at the bar.”

Buck’s elation at finding the man by pure happenstance is slightly deflated by that comment, “No! You bumped me, you spilled my drink on you at the bar.”

Eddie only laughs, he opens his mouth but Hen speaks up, “You two can talk and work, right?”

Buck blushes, but Eddie only rolls his eyes and shooes Hen away.

“Wow, so weird, right? That we, like, ran into one another.” Buck says, awkwardly after a moment of silence falls between them.

Eddie grins, “Yeah, man. I really did want to apologise for spilling your drink, I should have at least bought you another one.”

Without thought, Buck says, “That's okay, I didn't buy that one, or the next one either.”

Eddie stares for a second and coughs lightly, “Sure. Well, okay. As long as you weren't put out over it.”

It falls to another awkward silence before Eddie, thankfully, quickly shows Buck what goes into a kit. He does one slowly, showing exactly how he likes them to be packed. Buck follows his directions and shows the final product with a questioning noise. Eddie glances up and smiles, murmuring his assent.

It was a while before Eddie speaks again, “So what do you do for work, Buck?”

Buck rambles about the bar for a minute, “It’s in a not great area, I think. Well it’s kinda by a college campus, or a college dorm. I’m not sure. There’s a weird mix of people who go there. I think there is a lot of cheap housing around. So people who live close stop there and pregame on cheaper drinks before heading off to a better bar. Truthfully, I would not recommend it. I had a lot of fun at that karaoke bar though." He keeps talking as he packs kits, not realizing that he has not been able to just talk to someone in a long time. Not even with Doug was he able to just speak his thought, say whatever he wanted. He always had to double think before he spoke. Answering Eddie's question though, made him speak with absolutely no prior thought. "I mean, I'm not saying my bar is bad. It's fine. The people who work there are fine. Well, Reggie's a bit off. He really uses you as much as he can. But he's mostly an okay guy. Like I wouldn't be friends with him, but he's okay for now. If he gets any worse I guess I'll have to find a new job."

Buck is so engaged in packing in the precise way Eddie demonstrated, he almost doesn't even realize what he's saying. He first realizes that Eddie has stopped moving, focusing on Buck. Buck blinks as his sentence falls away, "What? What I say?"

Eddie's eyes trailed over Bucks shoulder and Buck had to force himself to not spin around and check who was behind him. "What does your boss do?"

"Oh," Buck shrugs, "Nothing. I mean, it's fine."

"He does nothing, or he does do something and you think it's fine?"

Buck doesn't understand why Eddie is focusing on this. "It's fine. Hey, didn't you say you had a kid? A son, right?"

Eddie frowns, unsatisfied. Buck frowns back. Eddie sighs, "Fine, don't tell me. My son is 8. His name is Christopher. We moved here a while ago, I guess. I finally found him a good school. It was a whole thing. Chimney's girlfriend started a new job and met this woman who had a home nurse for her mother and she introduced us when she realized I was having a hard time juggling working and being a single parent. It has really been a huge help."

"That's great!" Buck says, enthused shooting a grin at Eddie between grabbing items, "Did you move from far? Did you move away from your family? Do you have anyone out here?"

Eddie smiled briefly, but Buck was so engrossed his work he didn't see. "I moved from Texas, away from my parents. I have some family out here, I just hate to burden them. The 118 has really become my family. They've been a big help for the adjustment. Chris has been a real champ about it." Buck only hums to show he's listening. Eddie says, "What about you?"

Buck frowns, "Hm? Me what?"

"You from around here?"

Buck small confused frown turns into a true displeased expression, "Oh, no. Moved here recently. Uh, still learning my way around. Trying to meet people. Don't know anybody, really."

Buck shrugs self consciously. For a moment he could almost forget what his life was like. But with one innocent question it all came crashing back.

Eddie noticed the shift in the younger man, but he didn't know what to do in the face of it. He did know that he didn't like the look of it, and he realized he might be willing to go out of his way to bring back that carelessly happy man from before, even if Buck was basically a stranger. There was just something about him that triggered Eddie's instincts.

"Well it's a good thing you ran into me again. We usually do a bar night a few times a month. We're going again, we all don't have work after this drive. You can hang around, or meet us there, if you want to meet everyone."

Buck agreed, and they spent the rest of the time making small talk, Buck answered as truthfully as he could, but he just didn't want Eddie to know about everything - all of Buck's bad things.

He didn't know how Eddie would react if he knew Buck was homeless. He didn't want anyone to find out he had run from his husband, or that he had a husband. Or that he had a sister in LA. Everything was a secret Buck wanted to hold with just himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An update may be in your future. I have no way of knowing ! my brain and fingers don't connect ! fingers do whatever they want sometimes ! 
> 
> Comments and Kudos keep me alive and well. :)


	4. lifting me up instead of holding me down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck meets the 118.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope y’all enjoy

Buck works his shift and plans to head out as soon as he is able. He locks his backpack up with his tips. As he is slamming the locker door shut he hears footsteps and turns to see Reggie. 

"Hey, man. I'm heading out, Ray is already behind the bar." 

Reggie leans in the doorway, effectively blocking it with his body. Reggie was a middle aged dude, he was balding and had a shitty attitude about most things. "Going someplace special?" 

Buck puts on his most disarming smile, "Nope! Just meeting some friends." 

“You know, it is really putting me in a difficult position to keep you off the books.” Reggie says, squinting at Buck. 

Buck takes a deep breath, maintaining his smile. “You are already paying me less than minimum wage, what else can I do for you?” 

Reggie stands up, leaving room for Buck to pass. “No, no. nothing. I just wanted to let you know.”

Buck fumbles his hand behind him to double check his locker is shut and nods at Reggie, deciding to say nothing at all. He slides through the doorway, keeping as much distance between them as he can. 

On the way out the door, he decided that this is something that can wait to be worried about. It’ll just stress him out and he can’t do anything about it until Reggie does something first.   
___

Buck gets to the bar and doesn’t immediately see Eddie, so he heads to get a drink. He drops his elbows onto the bar top and waits for someone to notice him. Before he can get a bartender's attention, somebody drops in next to him, drinks already in hand. Buck knows to never accept a drink that you didn’t see get made. He knows that’s an easy as to get drugged and taken advantage of. Bucks issue is declining drinks. 

He can say no, but sometimes they needle. Sometimes they get mad. Buck cannot stay strong in the face of a man's anger. His instincts tell him to cower, to give in, to make himself small and weak and non threatening. 

Sometimes, before they even open their mouth, you know what kind of attitude someone will have when you decline their drink. This guy is trouble. He doesn’t look particularly menacing. He looks a little like Doug, though. Rich, a little older than Buck, thinks he knows better because of those two things. The type that is well put together on the outside, nice jeans, button up shirt, and so he thinks he can boss others around and they should just fall in line. 

“Hey, there. I saw you from the other side of the bar. I went ahead and ordered something extra for you. Want to sit with me while you finish it?” He says, charming smile firmly in place. 

Buck pretends to look affected by it, forcing his lips into a bashful-looking smile and ducking his head as if he was embarrassed by the attention. “Oh wow, thank you. I wish I could, I’m meeting my boyfriend though. He should be here any second if he’s not already.”

Buck learned, by watching women at the bar, that men respond better to “I’m taken” than to something like “No” or “I have a drink” or “I’m here with friends”. 

And by better, he means sometimes they still needle you to go somewhere where your boyfriend isn’t, like their apartment, or the alley, or their car. 

This guy is the same as any other. “He hasn’t caught sight of you yet, let’s just down these and head to a different bar before he does. Hell, I even have one at my apartment.” 

Buck tries to casually cast his eyes around for Eddie, but he comes up with nothing. What the hell do these guys think is so great about them that Buck would ditch his hypothetical boyfriend and go sleep with them, based on nothing, based on their appearance and their shitty conversation. 

Buck feels a hand skate up his back and land on his shoulder. He jumps slightly, but thinks it was only noticeable to whoever was touching him, not the man trying to pick him up. Buck turns his head and exhales in audible relief when he sees Eddie. Eddie leans into him casually and Buck lets his body relax and fall more open to let Eddie rest against him. 

“Hi babe.” Buck mutters, just in case Eddie hadn’t picked up on the fact that Buck wanted him to play fake-boyfriend. 

Eddie smirks, “Hi handsome. How are you? Didn’t see our table? I grabbed you a beer already, unless you're waiting on your order.” Eddie gestures vaguely to the rest of the bar. 

Buck almost knocks Eddie over in his rush to leave the bar, “Nope, uh, no. Not waiting. I was just caught up talking.” Then Buck addresses the, now sullen, man, “It was great talking to you. Better luck next time.” He awkwardly gives this weird wave slash salute to the man and grabs Eddie’s hand. He gives their hands a shake to jar Eddie into getting a move on, which he does quickly. 

As soon as they’re out of ear shot Buck sighs in relief. “Thank you so much! That guy was giving off such weird vibes. He tried to give me a drink that I didn’t see him buy, that is the biggest red flag. I said I had a boyfriend and he was like ‘ well let's leave before he sees you’. What! What a weirdo!” 

Eddie laughs softly, “I am glad I noticed you, then. I was going to let you be if I had thought you were enjoying it, but you looked seriously freaked.” 

By then, they had reached a table, which sat Hen, Nash, and someone Buck didn’t recognize. 

“This is Buck, guys. Buck, this is Henrietta Wilson, Chimney, and Bobby Nash.” 

Chimney crows, “Hey! I don’t get a full introduction? You don’t know my name, do you?” 

Eddie rolls his eyes. “This is Howard Han, which is a name no one uses. We all call him Chimney. Don’t call him Howard, because he probably won’t answer.” 

Buck laughs a little, enjoying the antics between the men. 

“Nice to meet you, Buck.” Chimney offers, ignoring the sass coming from Eddie. 

Bobby and Hen both murmur some variation of, “Nice to see you again.” 

Eddie slides into a booth and leaves Buck to have the outside. Eddie motions to the pitcher on the table, “You want a drink?” 

Despite Buck’s whole speech about not accepting drinks from strangers, this was different. For one, they were all drinking out of the pitcher. They were not going to roofie themselves, probably. Second, Buck knew that Eddie didn’t want that kind of relationship with Buck. He had already said that he didn’t want sex, so in a way it felt safe. Eddie didn’t want anything from Buck, other than friendship. It was freeing in a way Buck hadn’t expected. 

Buck nodded his assent and watched as Eddie poured him a drink. Eddie was idly commenting in the discussion happening at the table, not seeming as involved as Hen and Chimney. Similarly Bobby seemed to be staying out of it. 

Buck was a bit nervous. He hadn’t been in this type of casual setting since the beginning of his marriage. He didn’t know these people, he wasn’t all that comfortable regardless of who was there, he was a little on edge after that guy tried to pick him up. 

Eddie nudged his shoulder into Buck softly, hitching his chin down towards his own chest so that he could whisper to Buck, “Everything okay? You’re kind of quiet.” 

Buck smiled to himself, wondering how Eddie had already thought he knew enough about Buck to to know when he was acting out of character. “That guy just freaked me out. Also, as I said, I haven’t done this in a while. I haven’t had anybody to go out with like this in a long time. I feel like I have forgotten how to act.” 

Eddie frowns, searching Buck’s face. “You want to do karaoke?” 

Buck hesitated. Once upon a time, karaoke had been his and Maddies shit. They could kill up on stage. He would probably enjoy it, but wishing to have Maddie up on stage with him would kill his joy a little. He meekly shook his head. 

Eddie shrugged, “Not my thing either. Darts? Pool?” 

“Pool sounds good.” 

Eddie gathers up Bobby and Hen for a game of pool, leaving Chimney to get another pitcher. 

Hen offers, as they’re sorting out pool cues, “Chimney’s wife couldn’t come tonight, but usually she and him are on stage all night, being gross and sappy.” 

Eddie mock shivers in disgust. Bobby just laughs as he sets up the table. Bobby nods towards Buck once he is finished, “Newbie goes first.” 

Buck bites his lip, but lets himself be shoved forward by Eddie. He used to play pool a lot when he and Doug were dating. He was pretty damn good. Doug used to be so proud of him when he could beat all his friends, Buck loved going to the bar to have Doug parade him around, spouting praise all night. It was Buck’s favorite date night. One night though, Buck had been, innocently, showing someone how to hold the pool cue, and how to line it up, giving them pointers. Doug had been pissed. Buck hadn’t thought the girl was flirting with him, and he certainly wasn’t flirting with her, but Doug could not be reasoned with. After that, Doug didn’t bring Buck out to the bar. 

So he hadn’t played in a while. 

As he bent over the table though, it all came back to him and he felt a grin forming on his face. He knocked the cue ball with a solid hit, relishing in the familiar noise of the clacking of the balls. 

He knocked in a stripes, and Eddie whooped a little as it fell into the pocket. Buck laughed delightedly.   
___

By the end of the night, Buck feels like he has properly bonded with the members of the 118. Buck and Eddie killed Hen and Bobby in pool. Every time they lost, Chimney forced a drink on them. So by the end of the night, Hen and Bobby were also basically wasted. 

Eddie was holding onto Buck’s shoulder for stability he was laughing so hard. 

Chimney had been feeding them so much alcohol, he was not even tipsy. Hen made some noise about calling her wife, Karen. Chimney shushed her, “Karen has the boys over. I will drive you. Don’t wake up your wife.” He points to Bobby, “You on the other hand, call your wife.” 

Eddie had finally pulled himself together, muttering to Buck. “I’m sorry. God, I have never seen Bobby like that. You are going to get home okay? I drove, if you need a ride.” 

Shit. Buck hadn’t really thought that far ahead. It was a little late in the night to pick someone up, mostly everyone was too drunk. Truthfully, though, Buck didn’t particularly want to pick someone up and sleep with them tonight. He felt full of affection and he felt as if an empty hook up would suck it all out of him. 

“Uh, I’ll be fine. Thanks, man.” 

With that he said his goodbyes and pushed his way out of the bar.   
___

Buck had keys to the bar because he was supposed to work the close up shift sometimes. Usually he tried to get out of it and he had been successful so far, so he had only had to do it once. Regardless, Reggie hasn’t taken the key away from him. 

So, Buck is able to get back in and sleep on a couch in the lounge on nights he doesn’t head to somebody's house. Buck doesn’t actually know what the rules are on this. Like, obviously you’re not supposed to have people sleeping in the bar - he knew that much. But, it wasn’t like he was in the kitchen, or actually behind the bar. He was in the employee lounge. People took naps before going home all the time. This was kind of like that, Buck reasoned. He just hoped that there was no one who found out, so that way Reggie would never get in trouble for it because of Buck. 

As Buck got comfy on the couch, trading his jeans for a pair of cut off sweatpants, he wondered how the hell he was going to see Eddie again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and Kudos keep me alive and well :)


End file.
